My last post spoke about why we worship and briefly about the reasons why I was unable to deliver the sermon as I had planned to.
In truth , I have hit a block where I have had to accept that I am exhausted, and as a consequence my long term tendency to suffer with anxiety has reared it's head. I suspect that I am also mildly clinically depressed as I find it difficult to read for long periods of time, my concentration spans have shortened, and I have lost interest in things generally. Despite being successful in my job, I somehow feel that if I were to retire tomorrow, what the heck?
My GP has been very helpful, and I have been a dutiful patient and made contact with the counselling service. The huge irony in all this is that run a counselling and listening service at my local church, I completed some training in counselling to assist me in my active listening, and yet my commitment to listening has in part led to me becoming plain "wore out" to use the vernacular.
I don't know why I feel this way. There are certainly a number of factors at play, I am still missing my sister who died 9 years ago from anorexia, my other sister is unwell and we hardly speak due to complicated family stuff with her current partner. My own family is incredibly supportive, but my wife has a chronic disability that caused her to become medically retired; my eldest daughter has Aspergers, and whilst incredibly intelligent suffers with anxiety related disorders herself. My youngest is currently in the midst of doing A levels. My work is interesting and valuable, I am an extended scope practitioner , which is odd speak for a Physiotherapist who also injects and prescribes and refers for investigations. I have been chairman of a research ethics committee and am currently tasked with leading research for MSK Physiotherapy and am a Principal Investigator for a research project we are involved in. Why then am I sitting here lacking interest, and thinking that building a shed would be so much more fun.
I made a model of a USS Enterprise - the spaceship variety, yesterday. My wife had bought it for me as a present some 2 years ago. I just haven't had any time for anything like that. People talk about having hobbies and I have a guitar upstairs that I hardly touch, the effort to learn it properly is just too great, though I would dearly love to play to support my preaching. The preaching is the one area that I think has and will be spared in all this, though time will tell when I start to prepare a service for the end of next month.
I am not writing this for sympathy or anything like that, merely as a form of reflection so I can better understand my own thinking.